


Elves

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: Wolfstar Holiday Prompts 2020 [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, M/M, Meet-Cute, Not Canon Compliant, apothecary!remus, exterminator!sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27844084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Remus has an Elf problem in his garden and calls Sirius to fix it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Wolfstar Holiday Prompts 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035558
Kudos: 33





	Elves

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/remus-john-lupin/634951075596828672) prompt set :)

Some people dream of going to the moon, or becoming president of the world, or making their millions. All Remus has ever wanted is this. A small cottage with a herb garden and a flower patch, in a pretty little rural village where everyone knows everyone, and everyone looks out for one another. He has a job working at the local apothecary mixing potions, and he’s made friends in his charming, elderly neighbours who have a wonderful granddaughter who Remus might like. It’s all perfect. Except from one slight problem.

“Oh for-” he curses looking at the state of his herbs. Elves.

They’re the bane of his existence. Troublemaking little bleeders who treat sage like catnip. They’ve been ravaging his garden since he got here. Minerva up the road, who is perhaps the greatest woman to ever live and who Remus would gladly die for despite only knowing a week, suggested putting some Immortuous around the fence to keep them out, but even that hasn’t worked. This is the fourth time this week alone he’s woken up to find his patch ruined, so he knows it’s time for drastic action.

_ Delvin’ Into the Problem  _ don’t sound like the most trustworthy company for the job, but Remus needs the herbs for his work, and just about everyone else he’s called has said that there’s nothing available until at least after Christmas. Remus barely has until the end of the week, let alone over a month, so the untrustworthy people it is.

Remus feels guilty for resorting to an exterminator. Elves aren’t really  _ bad  _ creatures. But desperate times leave no room for morality. And besides, it’s not like they’re going to  _ kill  _ them, just make sure that they stay away. At least that’s what the guy, James, on the phone said. He  _ was  _ talking over the sound of a baby crying, though, so how much attention he was paying to Remus and his plight was questionable.

The next day, after yet another nocturnal Elf attack, there’s a knock at his door. He half expects it to be Alfred coming to boast some more about how amazing Nymphodora is doing, but it’s not. Instead it’s a man with long black hair tied into a bun, studded combat boots on his feet, and awful grey overalls on. Just over his heart is written  _ Delvin’ Into the Problem _ . He’s wearing a box on his back that looks like the prop from a low-budget sci-fi movie, and a massive grin on his face.

“You can’t be serious…” Remus exhales.

The man frowns. “N-no, no I am. I am Sirius. Are you Remus? With an Elf problem?”

Remus shakes his head, then stops quickly and frowns. “I am. Remus. Elf problem. Sorry.”

Sirius grins. “Perfect, then lets get that problem solved shall we.”

Remus steps aside to let Sirius into the house. He gestures for him to walk down the hallway to where the back door is as he closes the front. Sirius may look ridiculous in his outfit, but he is attractive. Unreasonably so. He’s pale with perfect bone structure and a gorgeous smile. Remus shakes his head. He’s just here to get rid of the elves, that’s all. And he can probably do his job much more efficiently without Remus drooling all over him.

“Ah,” Sirius says once they’re both outside, by the herb garden. “Sage?” Remus nods. “Tricky,” Sirius mumbles, kneeling down to palm at the soil.

“I’m an apothecary,” Remus explains. “I need the herbs.”

Sirius looks up at him. “An apothecary, huh? That’s cool. You mix prescriptions and stuff, yeah?”

“Home remedies, mostly,” Remus answers. 

“Well, no worries Mr Apothecary, I’ll get this sorted in no time at all.”

Remus nods and goes back inside. He’s got a bout of Confectio Alchermes to brew for a customer, and hopes that Sirius will be competent enough to be able to do his job. Remus isn’t holding his breath. He’d done a quick search of the company, and apparently it was founded by Sirius and his friend James right out of school. The reviews were all positive, to be fair to them, but looking at Sirius now, he can’t begin to imagine how.

He finishes with the potion and goes back out into the garden. Sirius is rustling around in the bushes at the edge of the garden where his fence is. As Remus approaches, he sees that he’s got his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth as he works, and Remus absolutely is not endeared. Not at all.

“Can I get you a drink?” He asks, standing a couple of paces away so as to not interrupt too much.

“A brew would be perfect,” Sirius replies, slightly exerted as he reaches into the bush.

“I have chamomile, green, English breakfast, decaf, peppermint-”

“I take it coffee is out of the question,” Sirius says, leaning back out of he bush and turning to look at Remus with a teasing smile.

“Sorry,” Remus says, a little breathless.

Sirius scrunches up his nose then lets his expression settle. “That’s alright, I’m nearly done.” He starts to lean back into the bush. “If a cuppa’s out of the question, though, then the company would be nice.”

Remus stands there awkwardly for a moment. The beauty of living on the edge of a small village is not having to deal with ‘company’. He’s not good at small talk, nor filling the silence. He’s just as like to let a conversation trail off as he is to be able to keep it going, if not more so. Still, he feels bad that he doesn’t have anything more to offer Sirius, so he clears his throat.

“Okay. Sure.”

“So, apothecary. In the village?”

“Yes,” Remus replies, a little stunted. “It’s a recent development.”

“I knew old Locky who used to own it. Huge tosser.”

Remus smiles a little despite himself. “Yeah, he seemed a bit of a prat when we met. Apparently he’s run off traveling to go find himself.”

Sirius huffs a laugh. “Have you been in the industry long?”

Remus hums noncommittally. That’s a long story for a man he’s just met, and who he’ll probably never see again. “What about exterminating? Doesn’t seem like a natural career progression.”

Sirius laughs again, fuller this time, and it’s a lovely, melodic sound. “My friend and I both have strangely specific knowledge about creatures and how to get rid of them.” He shrugs. “When I left my parent’s house it was all I was really good at so we opened a business.” He finally stops rummaging around in the bush and stands up, he knees cracking as he straightens them out. He turns around and smiles full beam at Remus. “That should keep the elves away.”

Remus sighs in relief. “Thanks. They’ve been a real pest.”

Sirius nods and his smile fades a little. “Uh, yeah so the elves won’t be an issue anymore, but I did notice the fennel you’ve got growing. With Christmas coming up the Nargles’ll be at it, and if one of them gets into the house you’ll know about it.”

Remus frowns. “Erm, I don’t know. I think I’ll take my chances.”

Sirius pulls a face. “Look, it’s up to you, obviously, but I’m welcome to come back tomorrow to keep them out.”

Remus has to stop himself from laughing out loud. Of course he’s trying to come back tomorrow.  _ Delvin’  _ aren’t the cheapest on the market by any stretch of the imagination, and despite their apparent lack of professionalism, they seem to be doing quite well for themselves. It makes sense that part of their business model was overselling.

But, he is right. Nargles are a nightmare during Yuletide, and they’re terrible for causing damp and infestation once they’re indoors. Those are both issues Remus could do without, not to mention the mess they’d make of his fennel, and with cold and flu on the rise, no doubt he’ll be needing a lot of it to be brewing with. He bites his lip then sighs.

“Fine. Yeah, no, that’d be great.” He forces a pleasant smile when Sirius beams full force at him.

“Great!” He says. “I’ll see you then then!”

And then he’s off without so much as a question of payment. Remus is a little dumbfounded by the whole situation, so he can’t really muster a response. He just stands there in his garden like a lemon wondering what had just happened. The issue is, he sort of can’t stop thinking about Sirius. The dark hair and the combat boots and the easy grin - it was like he’d walked straight out of one of Remus’ wet dreams. If they’d met in a bar, Remus would’ve taken him home on the spot.

As it happens, though, he seems like a bit of a cowboy. Remus isn’t naive, and he’s lived alone long enough to look after himself, so the questionable behaviour with the nargles isn’t too much of an issue for him. But if some poor old woman like Mrs Tonks next door were to be faced with this dangerous, handsome, roguish man on their doorstep, they’d be swindled out of their savings faster than you can say infestation.

When there’s a knock on the door the next day, Remus huffs a sigh. He gets up off his sofa where he’d been curled up with a blanket, reading, and opens the door. He’s not surprised to see Sirius on the other side in that same ridiculous costume. He beams when he sees Remus, which is more than a little distracting, if Remus is honest.

“Mr Lupin,” Sirius greets. “How are we today?”

“Fantastic,” Remus replies, deadpan, then steps aside so Sirius can come in. 

He needs no directing today, heading straight down the hall and out through the back door.  _ At least he’s efficient,  _ Remus thinks, closing the front door behind him and going out to join him in he back garden. Whatever he’d done yesterday had kept the elves out no problem, and this morning his garden looks nearly perfect. 

“No Elves!” Sirius beams.

“You sound surprised.”

Sirius looks at Remus over his shoulder as he goes to inspect the fennel. “Are you implying doubts over my capabilities, Mr Lupin?”

Remus stares at him. “No.” He manages as Sirius crouches by the side of his herb garden. He has to avert his eyes from the way the fabric of the hideous jumpsuit hugs Sirius’ arse. 

“This shouldn’t take me too long.” He looks back up from the herbs. “Do you have any work you need to get to, or do you wanna keep me company.”

Remus starts a little. That was… blunt. He stares at Sirius perhaps a minute longer than is strictly socially acceptable before answering. “Um. Okay.”

He  _ does  _ have work to do, but honestly he’s kind of intrigued. Sirius is the best kind of enigmatic. The dark hair and the combat boots, and the soft spoken voice which has just a hint of a Kensington accent, and the job in extermination with his friend. He’s an oxymoron, even if he is enough of a cowboy to hard sell on coming back (even if he didn’t take payment the day before).

“You never answered my questions yesterday,” Sirius plows on as he kneels next to the herb garden and pulls out a bottle of questionable looking liquid from his backpack. “Apothecary?”

Remus coughs and shifts his weight. “I was a teacher. Potions at Hogwarts secondary. There was a … conflict, between myself and another member of staff that meant the headteacher decided the best solution for everyone would be for me to leave. Lockhart was leaving to travel and I needed a job.” He shrugs.

That’s not the whole story, not by a long shot, but Sirius definitely doesn’t need to hear the whole thing. Besides, he's a complete stranger. Some of the people Remus is closest to don’t even know everything. It isn’t a second meeting kind of conversation. He half expects Sirius to pull him up on the untruth, but he’s good enough not to.

“Hogwarts’ loss is Arfield’s gain,” Sirius says brightly. That’s not how Remus would think about it, but he appreciates the gesture.

There’s a lapse in the conversation, and Remus feels weird to be just stood there, watching Sirius work, but he also doesn’t want to be rude and just walk away. He kicks at the grass with his scuffed loafer, scratches his neck, looks up towards the blue sky, then back at Sirius who is rubbing some kind of serum into the stem of the Fennel. Nuces Deez, if Remus is not mistaken. It’s as he’s watching that he notices something on Sirius’ wrist.

“You have a tattoo?” He asks before he can stop himself.

Sirius looks at him with a strange expression on his face. “Yes,” he says, a little testy.

“I love tattoos,” Remus quickly explains, afraid he’s offended. “What is it?” Sirius pulls up his sleeve enough to show a lightning bolt that seems to shift on his skin. “It’s beautiful,” Remus finds himself saying.

Sirius turns away, but not before Remus sees the pink on his cheeks and- now great. He’s embarrassed him. Enough that a second later Sirius wipes the excess serum onto his trousers and stands up, clearly ready to leave. Remus hopes to mortification isn’t showing on his own face, because that’s the only possible way this situation could get any worse.

“Um, so that should keep the Nargles away,” Sirius says, nodding awkwardly down a the fennel.

“Thanks,” Remus manages.

There’s another awkward pause and then. “I can come back tomorrow and make sure the Mandrake beds don’t have Aranea’s in them.”

Remus freezes. Is he… is he seriously doing this  _ again _ ? No. Remus has had enough. “Listen,” he says, no longer embarrassed about before given that apparently Sirius has no shame anyway. “I see what’s going on here. You’re gonna keep making up jobs until you’ve completely rinsed me and I’m over it. I can check for Aranea’s myself, okay? I don’t need  _ you  _ for that.”

Sirius has the decency to look sheepish, swallowing and looking down as though unable to meet Remus’ eye. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Remus almost scoffs. “I’m not… I’m not trying to rinse you I just….” He shakes his head. “I thought you were hot and I didn’t know how to ask for your number without it being weird.”

That completely stumps Remus. “What?”

Sirius laughs self-deprecatingly. “Yeah, it’s not really appropriate to hit on a client, but you’re really hot and nice and a little nerdy which I like. I didn’t know how to ask you out so I figured…” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, this is completely inappropriate, and obviously I’m going to leave now, don’t worry about payment for today or yesterday.”

Remus is so shocked about someone finding him hot  _ or  _ nice, that Sirius is almost at his back door before he realises what’s happening. “Wait!” he calls after him.

Sirius turns, looking confused. “Yeah?”

Remus shrugs a shoulder. “How ‘bout dinner sometime? Maybe somewhere  _ not  _ in my garden?”

Sirius’ look of confusion grows into a smile. “Yeah,” he agrees. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> welcome back to day two of maddy writes dubious meet-cutes for wolfstar! thanks for coming and i hope you enjoyed your stay!
> 
> sirius is dressed like a ghost buster, in case that isn't obvious.
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! idk when i'll get around to checking the comments, but if you leave one anyway i'll love you forever.
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because school is so hard (or, i guess, uni now, lol), but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: @maddy-does
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


End file.
